Peace of mind

All I wanted was peace…
Peace of mind!

A peace of mind that comes from a life lived with authenticity.
A life lived with so much truth that every night was a time of rest instead of regret.

All I want is a peace of mind.
To know I did all I could today.

A peace of mind
From a life lived fully!

19 Years!

19 years ago, I made a decision that changed my life and continues to change my life.

19 years ago, I held my friend’s hand and made a decision to walk a journey that frightened and excited me at the same time.

19 years ago, I thought I jad figured out life and knew what this journey entailed but alas!

19 years ago, I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior. Knowing that I couldn’t manufacture joy, love or peace, I walked into the arms of the only One that I knew could give me what I really needed.

19 years ago, what seemed like a small decision changed the trajectory of my life completely. I started to make “and then what” decisions. I decided that it wasn’t enough to just go through life for me and for today but to live for more in every way.

19 years ago, my journey of transformation began. Along the way I have learnt that the only way to chase the darkness is to light one candle at a time. I therefore made a decision to do whatever it takes to be the candle that lights another candle. The spark that ignites another soul.

19 years ago, I started to really live. Live without the fear of death. Live knowing that my story doesn’t end at the grave.

19 years ago, I started a journey. A journey that has had so much joy. A journey that has had heart break and betrayal. A journey that has been more lonely in some places than I ever imagined. A journey that has brought me so much fulfillment and contentment. A journey that has required dying to self daily and total surrender. A journey I wouldn’t exchange for any other.

19 years ago!

This Christmas Is Different

This Christmas is different!

I come from a family that loves to spend time together. We look for reasons to celebrate. We laugh and we joke. We talk on top of our voices and tease each other. Sometimes one may get offended but it isn’t long enough for the the party to stop. We tell stories and embarass each other. We catch up on what was missed and children run around the place. We leave the host’s house in the wee hours, content with laughter and love.

This Christmas is different!

I love alone time but I don’t like to be alone. I like knowing they are people near by. I like hearing the stories and giggling. They are times I crave alone time in a crowd but this Christmas is different.

If there was a Christmas I needed lots of love and acceptance, this was it. But the plan is different given the pandemic. I started to feel kinda alone especially given the “beating” I have gotten emotionally and physically this year. If there was a year I needed a full house and lots of belly laughs, this was it.

This Christmas is different!

It may not be a full house or loud but now more than ever, I know that I am never alone. God knows were I stay. He knows my name. He is ever present with me. My name is engraved on the palm of His hand. He knows me! He is with me.

This Christmas is different!

“She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’” Matthew 1:23 NLT

Real…

One of my quests is to be authentic and yet another is to avoid any pain.


I know that I can’t dodge pain completely but I try. I hide my feelings and compromise when I think it will help me avoid pain. The problem is, I later face the pain of lying to myself.

For the longest time, I believed pain was a sign of weakness so I cried over my deepest pain in the middle of the night when it felt safe. Of course, tears would flow freely during the day over the smallest of issues while I hid the deepest pain for the middle of the night or in the shower when water and tears became one.

I have struggled with belonging for a long time. I have longed for acceptance yet struggled with being real. I didn’t feel anyone would accept me once they found out who I was. I evaluated and watched so I could know when it was safe to be real.

I never wanted anyone to feel the anxiety I felt about acceptance and belonging so I studied people that helped me belong. I discovered that these people were authentic and so I started working out a plan for authenticity. Yes, a plan! I love plans!!!!

I noticed that these authentic people were not trying to present a picture of themselves that fits within the expectations of the world but were presenting their true self and bearing themselves naked even when it was painful.

As I think through this year, am struck by the moments I have had of deep in the night wailing. I am struck by the tears my shower has washed away. I am also struck by the steps I have taken towards authenticity. I am struck by the number of times I lay myself bare and asked for help. I am struck by the number of times I cried before the Lord and said “This is very painful, help me!”

The fear of pain is diminishing and it is replaced by a strong desire for authenticity and truth.

I feel this quote in Velveteen Rabbit captures my thoughts so well…

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you.

When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘

When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

“It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

We never know…

We plan for days on end.
We plan the minutes, hours, days and months to lead us to the goal we want and desire.

We never know….

Everything can change in a second!

We never know…

The word, action that will have a domino effect in our lives and change everything forever.

We never know…..

The person we meet that could be the answer to our prayers.

We never know…

What our words and actions could do.

We could change a life or destroy it!

We never know…

Musings For The Day Before….

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have lots of birthdays under my belt so I don’t understand the emotion surrounding this birthday. As I have meditated and thought through the last year and my dreams as a child, I realize I never imagined I would be where I am today.

First of all, as a child I believed that 25 years was the age of very old people. A decade plus later, I realize my folly because I still have answers like ‘I will do that when I grow up’. I am asked when this growing up will happen and am sure sometime in the future when I don’t fear all animals that crawl or fly or eat up clothes and food with no warning.

I realize the blessing of growing older now more than ever, nothing can be taken for granted.

The year am saying good bye to was one of a kind. I had a wild imagination of what the future will look like and I was way off.

This last year had lots of surprises – some pleasant and others heart wrecking.

At some point, I wasn’t sure my heart or my body would take the anxiety and the lingering heartache that followed me everywhere. It didn’t respect parties or sleep.

This year also had lots of answers to prayer and love. I lived this year, I wasn’t on the sidelines. I was in the middle of the joy and the sadness, the anxiety and the sweet grace of God.

Now more than ever, I am so grateful for my life and the things the Lord has allowed me to experience. I am grateful for every moment and for every person the Lord has allowed me to meet. As I grow older and start on my list of ‘I will do this when am older,’ I am very very grateful.

Happy birthday to me

Focus

Life throws us curve balls and has side shows that can take us off course. Things are said and done that could stop us from pursuing our goal.

As we walk, crawl or even run this marathon called life, we sometimes look around and there is the person doing better or worse than we are and it could derail us.

People we trusted to have our backs, stab our backs instead. Our hearts and minds get confused about the purpose of life as we see them get away with it. As we work through our broken heart, they point, they talk and they move on. We wait for the story and the explanation but it never comes. We are left wondering if its worth trusting or if we should give up all together.

Am trying to learn to FOCUS even when the side shows and interruptions come.

Am learning to keep believing, keep hoping and keep moving even when my heart is so heavy that my breathe comes forth as sighs of despair.

“From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety”
Psalms 61:2 NLT

I tried again

I started a new project.

I do not like to fail and will stay away from things were I failed at first. Of course my measure of failure hasn’t always meant falling flat on my face. It used to mean that a person I esteemed highly thought I couldn’t do something.

Failure was the time a lady who wrote great poetry in school telling me my poems were horrible and I vowed not to write again. Failure was a friend telling me in high school that I would die of hunger if I went into the music business. I didn’t intend to go into the music business but I loved to sing. My singing talent is now fully expressed in the bathroom.

Well, I started a new project. I decided to crochet a blanket for my grandfather. I had tried crocheting before and it was complicated for me. I never seemed to get it right so I learnt to knit and dodged crocheting completely. A few weeks ago, I decided to try again and go big this time. I am so excited by my progress and I look forward to handing over my work to one of my best people in the world. Of course it helps to know that he will love it regardless of what it looks like.

Sometimes we fall flat on our faces, other times we give up too soon and other times we are scared of trying again. I hope you will beat the odds this week

I know how the story ends…

During this season, I have had many questions…

Could I be obsessed with how the story ends that I miss the makings of a good plot?

Could I be missing out on the miracle of today because I am waiting for the “big miracle”, the moment I see the dream come to pass and the victory won!

Yes this plot has some twists I don’t appreciate but how does one get a victory without a war? How does one understand joy, love, provision without some pain, sadness and lack?

Could I be fixated on walking into the sunset happily ever after that I miss the scorching sun or rain during the day? How do I enjoy the sunset without the coming of darkness? How do I know happiness without sadness?

Could I have bought into the lie that life is only smiles, laughter and happiness that I miss the connections that happen in the times of tears, sadness, questions and vulnerability?

As I move into a new month, I want to live life to the fullest.

Through the joy and the sorrow, through the love and pain, through the breakthroughs and disappointments… I want to live life to the fullest.

I know how the story ends and I understand that all this is part of the story. The plot twists don’t change the end, they just make it more beautiful.

I want to live life to the fullest.

“A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect —life in its fullness until you overflow!”
John 10:10 TPT

Some Of My Favorite Things

When I feel anxiety over the unknown and things I can’t control, I read and write.

When I feel I have finally accomplished something great, I read.

Reading and writing are my go to places when I don’t know how to express exactly how and what I feel and my go to place for reward. It is more like “Good job Nakimera, you can now read a book” 😊

One of the most exciting things that happened for me a few weeks ago was being chosen to be on the launch team for the Dream Big Book by Bob Goff. It was one of those dream come true moments because it feels like a “meet your favorite author” thing.

I enjoyed the book completely and it was what I needed to reignite my dreaming. The way it is written helped me think through, pray through and write down what my heart has been afraid of saying for a while now. Dreams are written and action is ongoing 😊

The book launched on 23.06.2020, look out for it & get reading 😉